Full transparency: this post is raw and real and honest. And I’m speaking solely based on my experience – I would not begin to generalize or speak on another woman’s intimate experience of navigating the interesting terrain of love making whilst carrying another human being inside of her (and managing another human being getting all up inside her…ayyooooo! Ok, I’ll keep the jokes and puns to a minimum as best I can).
The thing about love making while pregnant is that I had very little context for what it would be like. This being my first pregnancy, I walked in with an open mind. Especially as it related to sex, because I felt like I had very little insight into the pregnant sex experience.
All I gathered from books and articles (Which are fascinating in and of themselves because I feel like pregnancy is the deep blue ocean of human body circumstances that we explore a little bit of but still have so much more to uncover and understand. Not to mention the bottom line to almost anything I’ve googled about pregnancy ends with “but really it’s different for everyone…and we have no idea what we’re talking about.”) was that some women become super raging horny and want to bone anything that moves and are basically volcanoes ready to erupt OR there are other women who feel so icky and tired that the thought of being touched by another human being let alone engaging in intercourse makes them want to puke worse than morning sickness and they swear off sex for the whole pregnancy because of discomfort or fear or lack of desire.
Let’s say I was aiming for the former. I was ready for the sex hormones to flow through me and to dominate all that lay in my path of sexual destruction. I was determined to crush this pregnant sex thing.
First Trimester – Well this is different!
This was pre-bump, so things were pretty much business as usual as far as positions and frequency and duration. I could still flip around, bend and maneuver.
In the very very beginning I was experiencing the benefit of added sensitivity in certain areas of my body and my husband was experiencing the benefit of my growing cup size. There was some serious power emanating from those love pillows – I was actually having multiple orgasms from my breasts alone. Winner!
And then a little further into the first trimester, the nausea and fatigue crept in. My nausea was mostly in the morning and in the evening – the prime times for the horizontal dance with no pants. So I was very cautious when we did make love, or I would let go of the expectation and any guilt for choosing to sleep instead.
It’s important to note that I believe the kind of partner you have during your pregnancy will co-create the experience of and relationship to sex throughout the pregnancy. There have been multiple times over the past few months where I have found myself incredibly grateful to have a patient and loving husband like I do. Because this is a process that impacts not just the woman’s emotional and physical love tank but also her partner’s.
Back to first trimester. In essence, I was chugging along nicely and was patient with the changes that started to show up, like the nausea. Some things shifted – like I could no longer swallow (not without feeling like I was going to throw up everywhere anyway – that gag reflex was very real) and everyone enjoyed not having to monitor pulling out, because hey – we knocked up already!
All in all, this time was taken in stride and met with curiosity and excitement. I was holding on to the things I read about hormone overload, and based on what I understood this would come later on in the pregnancy. So I waited in anticipation like it was a gift on my Christmas list and I just knew Santa would be leaving it for me under the tree when it was time.
Second Trimester – F*** this! (not literally)
Well, guys…it seems Santa lost my address this time around. The crazy lady pregnant hormones did not show up. And I’ll admit I let it frustrate me.
I let myself feel guilty for not wanting to tear my husband’s clothes off thread for thread and rock his world with the full power of 1000 voluptuous wood nymphs.
I judged myself for not embracing my feminine goddessness and then all divine circumstance of being pregnant – an opportunity to unleash this raw, sexual magnitude and glow as if my life was a continuous stream of orgasms.
So instead of just seeing it for what it was, I let the judgement infiltrate my desire for sex, willingness to initiate it and my enthusiasm and effort for the main event itself.
I started to subconsciously use the pregnancy as a pass to avoid dealing with the situation.
Each night I got to get in bed without coitus was a total relief, and yet a simultaneous pain of failure as a wife and woman.
All of this fear and anxiety built up to manifest physical results in my body. For instance, it was challenging to become physically aroused and wet. Even if I gave myself a little “you got this, tiger,” pep talk in the mirror beforehand, and I had the mental desire to get it on, my body wouldn’t respond.
I became increasingly frustrated with certain positions and how they felt – I was even experiencing pain during penetration in some of them. I thought I might pass out at a few different points from either a hot flash or the crushing weight of my uterus on major arteries.
And don’t even get me started on my bladder situation. One time I peed right before, two times during, and immediately afterwards. Then I would proceed to leak for the next 12 hours. Hot mama, right?
Not to mention – it was distracting with little alien kicks and punches happening at regular intervals. It didn’t gross me out and I wasn’t concerned for the safety of my baby. Everything I knew assured me that this was all healthy and normal. But I found it difficult to stay present and focused in the moment. I wasn’t allowing myself to open up and receive, because I was too concerned with the jumping bean inside my belly.
What happened was that my yoni was literally rejecting the act of sex because of all the tension I’d built up around it.
In my pregnancy education I’ve learned that a woman’s body will slow down or even stop the labor process if there is a threat of danger or fear (prompting the flight or fight response). I was likening this to that process. My body – mentally, emotionally, spiritually was feeling threatened by the impending penis entrance and had to shut it down for safety. Because pregnant or not, sex when you are not ready or in a safe and loving, willing space is traumatic to the totality of who you are.
There were times when I thought my vagina was going to shut and seal like a vault.
But I knew this was not my truth – I recognized that it was a story I was creating to get myself out of the opportunity to grow and learn about myself. It’s a story I used to block myself off from a higher level of intimacy with myself and my husband.
Third Trimester: Light at the end of the birth canal
So what did I do? I cried, journaled, meditated and prayed on it. I sought feedback from other powerful women and their experiences with challenging times of love making – pregnant or not.
I gave myself permission to feel how I was feeling, and I practiced articulating it clearly so that I could understand it better.
I also built up the courage to have some very transparent conversations with my husband on how I was feeling and released the fear over how he would receive what I had to say and how he would handle it. He played a very active role in the creation of this pregnancy – therefore it’s his pregnancy to experience as well. We’re both changing as a result of this life shift.
And so I allowed for him to take on a role of a sexual healing coach, if you will.
For example, in the past (with him or anyone else) if any sort of physical pain or discomfort came up during sex, for me that meant everything stopped then and there. I never looked at it as an opportunity to explore why that’s showing up and where it’s coming from.
But here, the safe and loving space had been created for that. I got a chance to challenge all of my prior programming of how sex should be 100 percent physically enjoyable and arousing 100 percent of the time (or at least faked to be so) otherwise you don’t do it.
And some really beautiful and useful insight I received from one of my soul sisters was that this was a great opportunity to focus on being present and using my breathing while being in a situation of discomfort. Because you know another life event involving your vagina that I’ve heard has its moments of discomfort? Um…BIRTH!
What a great time to set an intention for my body to open and expand. Because here’s another huge paradigm shifter I’ve learned recently: the experience of making a baby is not all that different from having one. All of the same parts and hormones are involved. The line between the two events is very thin. Some women are even able to experience orgasm during birth! (I’ve mentally signed on for that option…so I’ll keep you posted)
Biggest Takeaways For Me
- Nipple orgasms…they’re real and awesome.
- Your body literally becomes sexier as you become more pregnant – it’s a fact.
- Once you can get the gag reflex situated, blow job powers magnify. Something about being pregnant makes you better at it.
- There absolutely comes a day where you can’t see your vagina anymore, so getting reminders that it’s still there is great.
- When the pace and positioning (and seemingly everything else) changes about sex – it’s a fun opportunity to talk things out more and communicate what you want and how.
- No “sorry” in the sack.
So shifting my relationship around pregnant sex from one of high expectation and pressure on myself to a chance for healing and transformation has made the third trimester much more powerful and more orgasmic.
I truly believe that highly potent emotions are transferred through the birth canal into whomever comes out of it. Therefore it’s been important for me to come back to myself at multiple stages during this process of pregnancy, to remember who I am and what I stand for. This way I can allow all that I do, including make love, to support me in that. So that I’m the most powerful version of myself, for my husband, my baby and most importantly – me.