I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of having a little girl of her own when I was older. Maybe it was because I was one of three girls and didn’t experience having brothers. At least that might be where it started. But I wasn’t one to dream of dressing up a mini-me in pink bows (pink is actually one of my least favorite colors) and painting her nails – because these are of course the only responsibilities you think of when you’re 10 and you have an imaginary daughter.
But over time, in my later adolescent and early adult years, I would vehemently protest against any idea of having a daughter, evolving from my previous mild disinterest in the notion. My reasons were more evolved too. This was a time in my life when I considered myself to be a bloody mess – I was depressed, frustrated with any man that walked and in a general state of self-deprecation and doubt. So my refusal to have a daughter was more so a way to protect any future female to come out of me – to avoid facing what I was enduring and to spare her the influence of my destruction.
I was convinced she would resent me. I was sure her father, no matter who he was going to be, would never love her enough or show her an example of a powerful man – thus creating years of unhealthy relationships with men. And I was certain that she’d find ways to self-sabotage as I had before her.
Years of healing and re-wiring prior programming bring me to where I am now. I can remember the person who used to hold those beliefs and talk about her as if she were a character in a book I once read or someone I knew for a brief period of my life. So in case it needs spelling out – I do not feel this way about having a daughter anymore. And that’s a great thing because in about four month’s time I’m going to give birth to one.
How’s that for conscious creation? Even in my disempowered state for all those years – the fixation on what I DIDN’T WANT – a baby girl, is exactly what the Universe heard and decided to send to me in the form of my first child.
I find the humor in how powerful we are as creators of our reality. While I wouldn’t say I had a super strong inkling as to what the gender might be before my husband and I found out, when the ultrasound technician proclaimed, “It’s a girl!” I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I think I’ve known all along, but kept the understanding dormant.
And I had that moment – that tiny fraction of instant – after we heard the news and before I processed the information where a remnant of my old self, as if she were a ghost of Christmas past in my own personal pregnancy Christmas Carol, whispered off somewhere in the distance, “Oh no. Noo, no, no, no, no, no.” I sent the ghost away and bid her peace and blessings.
How do I feel now? Well…that I was meant to have a daughter. I personally believe that an agreement is made – on the other side of the veil, so to speak – on who will enter our lives and for what purpose. Myself and my little one, who will be named Maya, have already signed a contract in my mind. Our spirits have been linked for a long time. And all the things that I had previously seen as reasons to avoid a little girl like the plague are exactly the reasons we have both chosen to have each other in our lives.
Maya chose me because I’m a badass goddess. Because yes, I did create years of pain for myself to experience, and used them as an excuse for not wanting a daughter. But then I took time to heal from that. She doesn’t need me to apologize for how I felt before, because she was already aware of the process I’d have to go through before preparing myself to be her mother. And I chose her because I know how much I can love her and how much I can teach her about loving herself and being her most badass goddess.
She might feel like she resents me at times, that’s her choice. She might have unhealthy relationships with men, that’s also her choice (I will also note that my previous fear of her father falling short was entirely indicative of the way I was relating to my experiences with men up until that point. One thing I am oh-so clear on in this situation is that her father is an outstanding example of a powerful man). And she might self-sabotage at different points in her life, as is her choice as an autonomous being. But I’m not afraid of these possibilities like I used to be. Instead I see them as parts of an experience, and I don’t blame myself for any part I may or may not have in them.
I share all of this to bring the relevancy to any major life fear(s) we might have. The things we’re sure (or think we’re sure of) that we don’t want to experience in our lives. And when that fixation becomes strong enough, we somehow find a way to create that exact circumstance. It’s like our body’s built-in mechanism for ensuring opportunities for growth. Thing is that we don’t always seize these opportunities.
The last thing you may have wanted at one point in time may be one of the most significant agreements you made on the other side of the veil. What you once struggled to picture for yourself becomes your reality. And how will you respond? Do you deny it, close your eyes, plug your ears and pretend it’s not there, wish it away to never return? Or do you embrace it, love it and accept it as something that your higher spirit conjured up for you to experience? A way to challenge the idea that you have figured yourself out and you know it all, a way to address your greatest fears, a way to practice unconditional love.
Mommy loves you, Maya. We were made for each other and I’m so honored to usher you into this magical journey of life.